Feedback-attack

When feedback isn't kind and how you can move forward without spiraling

I received an email that rattled me. And I’m not an easily-rattle-able person. I’m not unrattle-able but…this one got me.

It came from a well-known, veteran actor in a specific niche of voiceover. They believed I was misrepresenting myself based on a TikTok I posted and accused me of something I absolutely did not do.

The message came in hot. No questions. No curiosity. Just accusation. I felt like I was in Catholic school being slapped with a ruler by a pissy nun. (And I never even went to Catholic school!)

Although the misunderstanding was cleared up and the conversation ended on neutral terms, even positive ones from their end…the emotional impact stayed with me and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. It’s been buzzing in my head and my heart feels heavy and my anxiety level, which, let’s face it, is never low, is now through the roof. I’m shaking as I type this.

It’s not because I’d done something wrong. It’s because I was spoken to like I had. Like I was a fucking child. Like I wasn’t a colleague. Like I was less.

Here’s something that I think actors don’t talk about enough: The emotional hangover of harsh feedback.

The first email they sent was aggressive. Because I have, as Hermione Granger would assert, “an emotional range beyond a teaspoon”, I understand that that aggression was not a reflection of my integrity but more a reflection of their protectiveness of their brand, insecurity in a competitive area, a complete misunderstanding of my content, and their knee-jerk instinct. All of which, has nothing to do with who I am.

Their opening line to me wasn’t, “Hey, can we talk about something in your video?”
Not “This looks confusing, can you clarify?” It was “Why are you falsely implying…?”

It hit like a punch to the chest. Accusation first, curiosity never.

What was SO confusing to me was I didn’t claim what they said I was claiming.
I would never. Anyone who knows me knows I take honesty in this industry incredibly seriously. And then, after the initial cut stopped bleeding, the next slice: This person DOESN’T know me. Doesn’t know my content. Has NO IDEA who I am and what I try to do across my platforms. I could be a total charlatan for all they know. Which, is not their fault, but if they had even watched ONE video beyond the one that got their knickers in a twist, they could have begun the process of understanding instead of accusing. And then the final hit was that this person and I share SO MUCH common ground about how we feel about those charlatans—-those “coaches” and “experts” in this space who exploit vulnerable actors. The fake assholes who use those moronic catch phrases like “Make six figures in a year just by doing XYZ” or “I’ve made over a million dollars in voiceover without any acting training,” or “You can ‘break into voiceover’ by following these exact steps.” All of which are bullshit and we shared that passionate sentiment. We had this giant disparity but also common ground.

So after going through the ups and downs of this, it got me thinking…what do people do when someone with “status” comes in hot? (Like RAGING-FIRE-LAVA HOT)
I mean, for me, I froze. I explained. I over-explained. And I did the thing that I hate most about myself- I apologized. I tried to smooth it because as a chronic people pleaser, the imbalance that was created was loud.

After a few emails, they softened, clarified, and offered some genuinely valuable thoughts. Even an opportunity to collaborate! All of which I appreciate.

But the impact of the opening tone didn’t disappear just because the ending tone shifted. This is something we don’t talk about enough in entertainment:

Veteran status does not give anyone license to bypass respect.

Feedback can be and SHOULD be direct, honest, and blunt—-but in my opinion, it should never be accusatory, condescending, or delivered as a character judgment.

I learned something important from this exchange:

I can receive the value of someone’s expertise without accepting the delivery as acceptable. And I want you to remember something, especially if you’re newer, or if your instinct is to shrink when someone comes at you with “authority”:

• You’re allowed to pause before responding.

• You’re allowed to clarify without collapsing.

• You’re allowed to correct someone’s assumptions.

• You’re allowed to protect your integrity.

• You do not have to apologize for something you didn’t do.

• You’re allowed to feel upset even if it ends “positively.”

You can honor someone’s experience without forfeiting your own dignity.

If this happens to you? Here’s my advice.

1. Take a breath before reacting.
Not everything requires an instant emotional response. And really, you will be able to respond more truthfully to who you are if you don’t knee-jerk it like this person did.

2. Separate the information from the delivery.
One can be useful even if the other is harmful.

3. Clarify without over-apologizing.
You can address confusion without assuming guilt. I shouldn’t of ever apologized but maintained an open heart.

4. Close the loop.
You don’t need to debate feeling, just establish facts and thank the person for their time.

5. Debrief later.
Ask yourself: What was mine? What wasn’t? Keep the lesson, not the shame or doubt about who you are and what your convictions are.

As I always remind my own students:

Direct does not mean disrespectful.
Honesty does not require hostility.
Being a veteran does not mean you’ve earned the right to talk down to people.

That’s not “tough love.” That’s just bad behavior wrapped in experience and no coach, agent, engineer, ANYONE should feel comfortable behaving that way.

And we can and should do better in this industry.

Thanks for reading, moooooonbeams!

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